Edward Pulls Through

We are happy to announce that Senator Edward Kennedy’s brain surgery went very well, which means the implant will now try to start computing in the space where there was no brain present previously.

Said Kennedy “I feel like a million bucks. I think I’ll do that again tomorrow.” This is clearly a sign that the available brain donor stock was of particularly low quality, but it still should be an improvement over what we previously were able to get from Teddy. And, if it doesn’t”take”, maybe we can oblige him and try again tomorrow.

The surgery did stumble on a hiccup of sorts, when, as the doctors opened the skull, about 20 ounces of dark brownish-gold liquid spilled out. Said one Dr. after sticking his finger in like Bill Murray and giving it a taste, “I think its Crown Royal…”

Bill Tips Hillary’s Hand

Old Bill just keeps on trying to undermine his wife. With gaffe after gaffe and political error after political error, I think Bill is ready to try to finally go under for the last time. Or we can hope.

At a recent rally in South Dakota (they have those there? What, like, 40 people?) Bill said “This may be the last time I am ever involved in a campaign of this kind.”

Who knows for sure what he meant, but while it makes us conservatives happy to hear, he sure isn’t doing Hillary any favors.

We HAVE to wonder, what with Florida and Michigan and Bill, could Hillary have won were those things changed?

We may never know. We may know in 2012. Who knows.

I just hope Bill can be more graceful in retreat from the political limelight than that ass Jimmy “the peanut brain” Carter.

Daschle Wants it Both Ways

(Ed: And we’re not talking about airport restroom raids…)

Former (thankfully) Senator Tom Daschle said this weekend on MSNBC’s “Meet the Press” that Senator John MacCain wanted to leave the GOP.

Said Daschle, “It’s true that we were once close to bringing John McCain into the Democratic caucus. There are many who can verify that.” Russert asked, “John McCain almost became a Democrat?”

Daschle replied “Never a Democrat, but an independent. He was so angry at the way he was treated and the problems he had with the Bush administration in 2001, Tim, that he came to us and said, ‘Look, I’m seriously considering becoming an independent and caucusing with you. Let’s talk about it.’ And we did.”

So, what is the point? Undermine McCain with the GOP base? Too late, the GOP base is already leery of him. Make him more attractive to the Dems? Too late, he is, for the same reasons that the GOP base dislikes him to some degree already a friend of the moderate left.

But Daschle goes on to state that NOW, McCain is a second third term of Bush, because apparently McCain changed since he was threatening to become an independent.

According to Daschle, “in the course of that period from 2001 to 2008 . . . he’s become a very ideologic advocate for the Bush policies on Iraq, on the economy, on tax policy, on domestic policy. Across the board he is espousing the Bush policies. He’s changed a lot since 2001.”

So, in other words, he thought about becoming an indy aligned with the left, but didn’t and then became Darth Vader because he didn’t agree with all of the left positions pertaining to national security, taxes, and domestic issues. Sounds like a moderate conservative to me, and what the left leaning liberals are afraid of is, there ARE conservative Dems out there. Reagan pulled in a landslide partly because of those people.

The left is afraid McCain can speak to those people, and this is why they MUST paint him as Bush III.

Polygamist Sect In Texas Outlaws Underage Marriage of Children

Wow. You mean, their ruling actually matters? I thought federal law already prohibited this? Are we to believe that this is some kind of magnanimous ground breaking decision after “seeing the light”?

What’s next? Outlawing public stonings, and child labor? Getting guns out of the hands of 3 year olds and keeping crack cocaine out of the cereal cupboard?

Said one member of the sect of the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, “We’re hoping our actions will spread across the hills of Tennessee and into the backlands of Alabama… we are glad to be setting an example for the underbelly of humanity…”